


Safe In My Own Skin

by Ninkasa



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-30
Updated: 2009-11-30
Packaged: 2017-10-04 00:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninkasa/pseuds/Ninkasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's what happens later that would shock them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safe In My Own Skin

We aren't enemies any longer. Not really. We haven't been for a very long time.

Not that anyone would believe it to see the way we treat each other.

There are still all the snappish comments. For the most part, it's random snide remarks about Houses and all the usual things. Then one of us mentions the other's parents and we've pushed the boundaries too far.

Bloody fists slam against jaws, into stomachs -- desperate to hurt each other the way the words hurt.

That's what they expect -- what they're used to. It's what happens later that would shock them.

Afterwards, in broom closets, empty classrooms and abandoned corridors. Desperately clutching, kissing, clinging -- it probably says something that the fights are a turn-on.

My friends are worried -- but they wouldn't understand, so I don't say a word. I've never asked about your friends, and it's not like you volunteer information.

I'm not sure I want you to.

And then there are times like this, which are really confusing. Sneaking into the common room and into your dormitory. It amazes me that you don't really react -- simply moving aside when invisible hands pull back the curtains. Sometimes I'm not even certain you want me here.

I've never given you the password to our common room. For all the mockery about my faith in people, I'm not THAT confident. And if we were anyone but who we are, it would be different.

My friends would never understand -- would never believe it. I'm not sure I believe it, and it's happening to me.

Ron would get the standard "because" response. A sort of "why not" if he asked me why. Because he wouldn't understand. Wouldn't want to understand. I'm "fraternising with the enemy" as he once said to Hermione.

Hermione would be different. She might not understand it, but she'd get a better response than Ron. She would get an attempt. But I'm not sure how much of an attempt could be made. A muttered response about dreams, questioned sexuality and being tired of being "The Boy Who Lived" would be about all she'd get. But that might make sense to her.

And she would be supportive. Or at least accepting.

But I really can't explain it to anybody. How can you explain something that personal? Nothing about desperation and so much pain culminating could possibly make sense to someone. How where you're so used to seeing hatred in someone's eyes and suddenly there's lust or want or a need to not be *alone* anymore. The need to say "Yes, I see you. I *know* you. And you're not alone. Not for this little while."

Because if I really am going to die in this war -- and I probably will -- then at least I won't have to be completely alone in it.

I'm used to nightmares. I have them all the time. I never expected you to have them.

You always seemed so untouchable. Of course, I know that's not true. I wouldn't be here if it were true.

I can only imagine what your dreams must be consisting of, because the muffled cries are often non-discernible. And often I'd blame it on getting wrapped up in the bedclothes, down where it's too hot and stuffy.

But there are others, and I don't know if you know you have them. I know, because I know you.

I can tell when you've had them, even when I'm not here to witness them.

And I know what those consist of, because I've heard you pleading with your father and I've heard you sobbing and I've seen you grasp at your arm in that particular place.

I know what it is that scares you. I know what it is you're afraid they'll put there, what it will mean when it happens.

I've seen it.

It makes me sad and desperate. Because I want to be with you and I want you to be happy when you're with me. And I want you safe.

But I can't keep you safe.

Not from me, not from your father.

Not from Him.

And not from yourself.

Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down and I don't know what to do about it.

I thought I knew what I wanted.

I thought I was safe in my own skin.

But I don't.

And I'm not.


End file.
